


Inside...

by Storybelle



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cas is fallen, Cas is insecure, Crappy motels, Dean and Cas are both hot stuff, Dean is an awesome boyfriend, Established Relationship, M/M, Sam cockblocks again, Season 5 AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-01
Updated: 2014-05-01
Packaged: 2018-01-21 13:39:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1552421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Storybelle/pseuds/Storybelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'Once Dean had left to fetch them some dinner and Sam was still stuck at the local library, researching, Castiel stripped off all of his clothes and stood in front of the crappy mirror in their motel room.'</p><p>Season 5 AU where Cas has fallen to be with Dean and is now an insecure woobie that he's not hot stuff. Thankfully, Dean knows he is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Inside...

Once Dean had left to fetch them some dinner and Sam was still stuck at the local library, researching, Castiel stripped off all of his clothes and stood in front of the crappy mirror in their motel room.

He closes his eyes and breathes, trying to prepare himself. He knows this is masochistic and will only make things worse but he can’t help himself. He wants to know. His mind cannot stop ticking over it, like how it used to wonder about freedom and why his father had so easily abandoned them all. Now his consciousness was filled with simpler things, such as how to clean a gun and could they afford two rooms: yet somehow these seemed just as important to his newly human brain.

Because that’s what he was now. Human. And all these thoughts and insecurities were so very mortal. And he hated it. And the only reason he was worrying about it at all, was to please the person he fell for.

Cas inhales a few more times, trying to focus and calm his mind, like he used to, back when he had Grace. Finally, he’s ready…and opens them.

At first he just sees himself. Jimmy’s vessel. No, himself, he corrects himself again. This is his body now. No more Jimmy. One inhabitant only, permanently renting. This is no big deal. He’s seen it before, many times. In the beginning, he never gave it much thought. It was merely a vessel. He tried to keep it clean and heal it when necessary. It required neither sleep nor nourishment so it was fairly easy to maintain. Humans have to spend so much time taking care of their bodies, washing and grooming, satisfying sexual and biological needs; the list goes on and on. He chose it because of the soul inside, the devotion and kindness of James Novak. It was a way to talk to Dean, to walk on Earth. Nothing more.

But time went on. After he was sent away, to ‘angel boot camp,’ as Dean called it, he took it back because Jimmy had begged. To spare the child the misery Castiel had put Jimmy through. And in a strange way, it had felt like coming home. Familiar and comforting. He needed that when Heaven was no longer a safe place and his world had been turned upside down. Somehow, he linked this vessel with Dean. Strong. Sure. Protected.

But from then on he became more and more aware of this body. Gradually falling, losing his powers, and being submitted to Famine’s effects. As his Grace faded he realised that the inevitable was coming: this body would soon be his. Jimmy was gone. He’d have nowhere to go. He’d be Earthbound, like Anna. Although she had made her choice.

No, that wasn’t true. He’d made his too. The final straw had come when he’d committed the final act of rebellion: he’d fallen in love with a human.

It had been a long time coming, Castiel knew that much was true. Ever since the garrison had stormed Hell for Dean Winchester. Maybe things would have been different if any other angel had restored Dean; Ariel or Haniel, maybe. Would they be in his position now, tired and lonely and sad in a dingy motel room in Montana? Or would – like he knew in his heart of hearts – this have always been his fate and Dean Winchester his alone?

The person before him looks tired. He’s not surprised, really. They’ve driven all day and Sam had been in full sulking mode. But he’s new at this and not as good at coping with tiredness as his companions are. Sam had flounced off to get some blueprints from the library and Dean had told him to take a shower and some Z’s while he went to get some food. But instead Cas was busy torturing himself.

Lately he’s started to worry. Dean is beautiful, incredibly so. Cas has seen snow-capped mountains and distant stars; he’s flown past comets and walked through Heaven’s many bountiful wonders. And yet, still his lover is the most beautiful sight he’s ever laid eyes on. Dean gets very embarrassed when he tells him so. But Dean still doesn’t think he’s special and Cas knows otherwise so he is sure he’s right about this too.

It was a few days ago. They were in a diner, Sam on his laptop, Dean trying to teach Cas the joys of Earth food. But after Famine, Cas is eager to stay away from cheeseburgers or anything so incredibly indulgent, so it was slow-going.

Their waitress was overly attentive. Cas had noticed it immediately but didn’t say anything. For all he knew, everyone in the food service industry was this dedicated to their profession. But when it became apparent that dedication applied only to Dean, Cas felt an unpleasant clawing sensation in his stomach. He tried to ignore it and push it down, trying instead to focus on his lover’s presence. But while Dean was trying to urge him to eat something called hash browns, the waitress slipped a small piece of paper underneath Dean’s plate, winked, and walked away again, swinging her full hips. Dean’s eyes had flicked over her momentarily, and then turned away but by then it was too late. The seed had been planted in Cas’ mind and nothing could make it go away again, no matter how hard he tried. 

Attraction. It seems to be very important in human society. Relationships hinge on it. Sometimes, someone will be attracted to a member of the opposite (or the same) sex and try to initiate a proposition of some kind. Cas has seen these many times. Sometimes, they are brief and purely sexual. And sometimes they are more. Sometimes, they are everything. He knows this all too well.

But if the other person doesn’t reciprocate the interest, it causes problems. The instigator feels rejected and unwanted. The other may feel guilt over causing such feelings. In some cases, the affiliation may never be repaired, their former relationship in tatters, separated by this chasm in feelings. 

Cas has seen all this and studied in with some interest. But nothing like now. Now it’s all he thinks about. Attraction. Or, more specifically, who Dean is attracted to. 

Cas knows from experience, that the waitress was attractive by Earth standards. Not by angel standards or peacock standards but for a human girl, she is very pretty. She also has many traits Dean likes: a full bottom, large bosoms, a red mouth. None of which Cas really has. So he’s started to wonder why Dean finds him attractive.

And what will happen once Dean no longer finds him so.

So tired. Do all humans look this weary? Cas touches the bags under his eyes cautiously. He looks old, which is ridiculous. He is old. But he shouldn’t bloody well look it, he thinks grumpily. 

His eyes are quite nice, he considers, tired and old aside. A lovely shade of blue, surrounded by many eyelashes. He far prefers Dean’s bright green shade but his are pleasant as well.

The rest of his facial features seem pleasing also. His hair is a mess but an interesting colour and Dean seems to like it. When they sit together, in diners or bars, Dean will lay an arm on the back of the chair and touch his fingertips to the hair at the base of Castiel’s neck and play with it while he holds a beverage in the other hand. He likes it even more when they are kissing, carding his fingers through it, as if to keep a possessive hold of the former angel.

His jaw is strong and masculine, he has striking cheekbones and his nose is neither overly large nor strangely shaped. He concludes that his face is attractive enough, although he’s still unsure how well it pleases Dean.

He moves downwards. His neck seems to be a place of great interest to Dean. He shows a great deal of attention to it, placing kisses along it and marking Cas with teeth and lips. He has broad shoulders, even though he is fairly slender. Dean still affectionately calls him a ‘skinny little dude’ but as it seems to be said out of love, Cas does not take it as an insult. If anything, Dean appears to be even more impressed when he is capable of taking down a demon, even without his powers. 

The rest of his torso appears to be unremarkable. He has seen Dean and Sam without their shirts many times and they both are far more impressive than he is in that department. He supposes years of training and hunting will do that to a person and he is not quite there yet. But for the first time in thousands of years, Cas feels insecure when he remembers their muscular backs, well-built shoulders and flat stomachs. They are the epitome of male beauty. And again, he doubts why Dean – the Righteous man, perfection made flesh – would choose somebody like him. 

His eyes – and hands – move down again. Here is another of Dean’s favourite places on his body. He has never seen the appeal of hipbones himself but Dean finds his extraordinarily fascinating. He nibbles and licks along the dips and curves like a cat, until Cas is arching his back and begging for more attention. Dean can spend hours there alone, worshipping those insignificant juts of bone with his mouth. Sometimes Cas will be pushed down onto a mattress and his trousers tugged down just enough for Dean to have sufficient access to them. Maybe it says something for Dean’s sexual prowess, as whenever that happens, it always ends with Cas trying to push his hips up, desperate for something to grind against, for Dean’s luscious mouth to be focused elsewhere. But Dean always takes his time, dragging his tongue back and forth over the pale stretches of his skin, biting down gentle, butterfly kisses over every place he can reach.

Cas opens his eyes again, back in the motel room. He hadn’t even noticed he’d shut them, caught up in memories of heat and wetness and soft, hot skin. He long for Dean, aches for Dean. He has always found Dean visually pleasing and it has just increased now that they are in a carnal relationship. The pleasure Dean brings to his body is indescribable; worth falling for. Even when they are just kissing, the heat works its way into his groin and his head until it pounds away like a drum. If he were infected by Famine now, with this body as his own, he would crave Dean, fierce and hungry. He wants it, even now. He wants Dean’s strong, hard body to push him down and cover him, until he can feel every bump and ridge of firm muscle, the smooth planes of his back, the sculpted curves of his ass. Cas loves reaching back during sex and cupping them in his hands, urging Dean faster, harder, sometimes just to ground himself and remember that this is real. 

Cas pants a little. The heat is spreading already. Dean is not even here and he’s so aroused. He’s still naked and suddenly startlingly aware of it. He casts his gaze down to the part of his body that is of most interest to Dean.

Human genitals still seem a little strange to him. Back when he was newly fallen, this was the one part of his body he could not adjust to. Dean had laughed about it a little, no surprise. He usually thought with his genitals after all. Dean was completely unashamed of his body and had no embarrassment about the coarser, ruder functions and words that went along with it.

“Cock, Cas,” Dean had said, once he’d stopped chortling. “You have a cock now. Say it with me. Cock. C’mon, half the human race has one and now so do you.”

“I am not human, Dean,” Cas had snapped and Dean had given him that look, that guilty, pitying look.

“Yes, you are, Cas,” Dean had gently reminded him. “You are now. You should get used to it or it’ll eat you up.”

And so that was that. With Dean’s ever-present love and Sam’s gentle support, Cas had accepted it. 

He still isn’t sure about the word ‘cock’ however. 

But it’s there in front of him. Dean had seemed pretty pleased with it (apparently that’s another thing, not all genitals are that attractive and males are fairly preoccupied with the size of them).

But it’s a relief that Dean likes his. Dean has spent an inordinate amount of his life thinking about female genitals so Cas was a little worried at times that he had the wrong equipment. He’s heard of ‘experimenting’ and ‘phases’ and he is so, so terrified that he is that to Dean. 

Dean is very attractive to many people. Cas has seen their eyes watch him pass, heard their lustful thoughts and been more than a little smug when Dean rejects their many advances because he has Cas.

But still…he worries. 

The door opens and he starts. As an angel he would have heard – sensed – Dean coming a mile off. But now Dean is coming through the door, takeout in one hand, jingling the car keys in the other.

“Hey,” Dean says, as he pockets the keys and room card and kicks the door shut. “I got you some baguette type thing and fries, is that o…what are you doing?” Cas flushes a little, despite Dean having seen his nude body many times before. He’s aware that it’s probably strange to strip naked once one’s companions have left and stand in an ugly motel room in front of a mirror.

“I was…thinking,” Cas stutters, anxiously brushing a strand of dark hair behind his ear. Dean doesn’t notice, dropping the food bags onto the stained, rickety table and advancing with an interested gleam in his eyes. They flick up and down appreciatively, clearly delighted by this turn of events.

“Thinking?” Dean purrs, shucking off his jacket onto the nearest bed. “And you have to be naked, why?” Cas shifts back and forth and resists the urge to cover himself. He’s unsure whether to tell Dean what he’s been thinking. Dean is not really one for sharing deep thoughts. Especially not insecurities. Dean may have doubts about many things but his level of attractiveness is not one of them.

“About attraction. And humans,” Cas says hesitantly as Dean steps behind Cas and pressing in close. Cas internally breathes a sigh of relief as Dean wraps his arms around his bare torso and rests his chin in the crook of Cas’ neck and nuzzles the soft skin there. It reminds Cas each and every time that yes, falling was worth it. Anything for this man’s love is worth it.

“Oh?” Dean mumbles, kissing the back of Cas’ neck, his nose brushing the base of Cas’ hairline. The leather of Dean’s jacket is sticking to his skin and there’s a button pressing in against his spine but he doesn’t mind. One of Dean’s rough hands has come round to settle over his and the other is softly tracing the cleft and curves of Castiel’s bottom. Cas exhales softly and tips his head back slightly to rest against Dean’s.

“How important it is in your society. How people finds others attractive. Why you…find me attractive,” Cas says softly, praying his voice doesn’t crack while he does so. Dean pauses, lips brushing Cas’ shoulders. The fingers still as well but, thankfully, his hand does not leave Castiel’s. Cas is grateful for those warm, strong fingers.

Suddenly Dean sighs heavily, a little exasperated. “You’ve been worrying about this, without telling me, haven’t you?” he scolds gently. “Man, I’ve told you not to do that.”

“I’m sorry,” Cas murmurs contritely. “But recently I noticed other humans and how they want you. I know I have no gender…used to and now this vessel…body is mine and I know you love me…But if I had always been human and we’d met somewhere, would you have found me desirable and taken me to your bed?”

Cas doesn’t know where to look. He doesn’t want to look at the mirror or his body and he can’t bear to look at Dean either and see the emotions flicking through those deep green eyes. His hand by his side clenches and unclenches in frustration and something in the back of his throat hurts, like something is stuck and is grating along the passage. He realises belatedly that he is trying not to cry and that feeling comes from trying to hold it back.

And then the worst happens. Dean takes his hand away and steps back, leaving Castiel cold and empty.

But just as he drops his head and closes his eyes, he’s being spun around and gripped by the shoulders. His head spins from the action, but he suspects that it’s his weak human body reacting to hunger and tiredness from a cramped backseat.

“You stupid, stupid nerd angel,” Dean says lovingly. “You are such a dick.”

“What?” Cas says in bewilderment. The surprise has banished the tears from his eyes and the pain from his throat. Dean has a little quirk to his mouth and his eyes are anything but judging. Even the hands on Cas’ arms are holding him gently, thumbs stroking back and forth reassuringly.

“Cas, I’d find you attractive anywhere. You chose a pretty hot dude for your vessel – thanks for that, by the way – and I love you, dumbass. You. I mean, you’re amazing! You were an angel. This incredible, powerful creature who saved me and believed in me.”

“But I’m not anymore!” Cas protests. Dean’s hand rises and grazes a thumb over Cas’ chapped bottom lip. This movement has the effect of rendering Cas speechless.

“Doesn’t matter,” Dean says softly. “You’re still you. Still incredible and clever and brave. Shit, Cas, you believed in me when no one else did. Even Sam chose a demon over me. But you never lose faith or stop trying to take care of me.”

Cas steps forward, back into Dean’s arms, sighing gratefully when Dean’s arms drop to enclose around his waist.

“You find me attractive?” Cas tries to confirm. “You will not stop wanting me close to you?”

“Stupid,” Dean mumbles, twisting a hand in Cas’ hair, firm and possessive. “You’re bloody mine. Don’t think you’re going anywhere. Besides, you’ve been so busy noticing people noticing me, you completely missed that they think you’re hot stuff too.”

“Huh?” Cas says eloquently but to be fair, Dean’s other hand has resumed it’s tentative exploration of Castiel’s behind, cupping a cheek and then ghosting down the crack. Cas quivers a little, wishing he’d press further in. Physical confirmation of Dean’s devotion right now would be lovely. Dean traces the curve all the way up to Cas’ hip and then repeats. Cas presses a little more insistently into Dean’s body so that he can feel his hardening dick and get a clue.

“That chick at the bar the other day, telling you when she ended her shift? Yeah, that was a come on. And the guy we interviewed yesterday stared at your ass so hard I was going to punch him if he didn’t quit it. Hey, stop rubbing up against me like that!” Dean groans, dropping his head to bump against Castiel’s forehead.

“No,” Cas says, remorselessly. “Other people find me attractive?” Dean snorts in disbelief.

“Hell yes. And if Sam weren’t due back to the room sometime this evening, I’d prove how sexy I think you are,” Dean promises with a leer. Castiel sighs happily, as Dean’s body contradicts his words and grinds back eagerly against Castiel.

“Well, I do not care if other people find me attractive,” he says softly, voice hitching as Dean squeezes a little more insistently.

“No, but you were very worried I wouldn’t,” Dean says heartlessly. “I know I’m not Mr mushy, hearts and rainbows moment guy but you can talk to me about this. Ok?”

“I’m sorry,” Castiel apologises. “But it is very difficult when you are so beautiful inside and out.” As always, this makes Dean flush with embarrassment

“Geez, Cas,” he mumbles. “I’m not…”

“You are,” Castiel insists and presses their mouths together once more, almost purring with contentment as Dean’s hands curl around his naked buttocks. Any chance of Dean stripping off his clothes and taking a tumble into bed together is swiftly ended when they hear the distinct rattle of a key in the lock. Cas has snatched up his clothes and vanished into the bathroom, before Sam has even had the chance to step into the room.

“I hope you got food, Dean, because I’ve just spent the last hour trapped in the library’s basement with some old librarian with whiskers on her whiskers and…what the hell are you doing?” Sam’s voice carries loud and clear through to the bathroom, where Cas is currently pressed against the door.

“What do you…? Oh,” Dean says slowly, only just remembering the erection tenting his jeans.

“I wasn’t doing anything weird!” Dean’s voice goes up a notch with embarrassment. “Cas is in the bathroom!”

“That doesn’t make it better, Dean…” Cas stifles a laugh and locks the door as quietly as he can. He should take a shower while the brothers are bickering and the water is hot. He’s sore and more than a little wound up with want, but that will have to wait. He can take care of it himself, as much as Dean would probably like to slip under the hot spray with Castiel.

Cas sighs as the crappy motel shower putters and then finally starts a torrent of water. This is his life now. He has his lover and his friend and a human body all his own. Dean’s right: he shouldn’t worry. 

And when he gets out of the shower ten minutes later, warm and sated, he doesn’t give the mirror a second thought.

**Author's Note:**

> So this part is called 'Inside...' and the next part will be Dean's side and obviously called 'and out.' Had this uncompleted for a while before a friend gave me a kick up the ass. Just come cute fluff. I make no promises when the next part will be out cause I'm a slacker.


End file.
